Screw Destiny
by supersmileys
Summary: Set during the last few minutes of "An Orchard of Trees". A POV story from the perspective of Gaia as she struggles between the one she loves and the one she is meant to love. It's hard juggling between doing what she thinks is the right thing when destiny is telling her something else. Spoilers for the first episode of Season 3.


**A/N: HERE BE A HEARTY SPOILER WARNING. DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO BE SPOILED FOR THE LATEST EPISODE OF THE NEW SEASON.  
**

* * *

"What am I meant to do?" It's a ridiculous question. No-one tells me what to do. Not Bryn, not Axl. Certainly not yet, here I am, asking Ingrid to advise me on how I deal with the biggest dilemma my life will ever face.

Fucking ridiculous.

Especially as only a couple of days ago, the biggest questions on my mind were "Why me?" and "Do I have to do this? Do I have a choice?"

I have a choice now. Or do I?

* * *

I think I preferred it when my 'choices' were between Jerome and Axl. Because that was always clear cut. Even if I became Papatuanuku, I still would have loved Axl. Nothing would have changed. I just wanted to know for sure that be loved me above all the stupid god shit.

Now I know for a fact that he does. And that's what makes it so much worse. He's Odin, for God's sake, and he's willing to ignore all that to be with me. Forever. I both love and hate him for it. If he were any less of a decent guy, he'd leave me alone and keep pursuing Frigg.

But he's not. He's Axl, the sweetest, silliest, most loyal and loving man I will ever know.

I'm too scared to tell Axl the truth. That Ingrid is right. Things are different between us since I became Idunn. More intense – if sex with Axl was good before I became a goddess, it was nothing compared to what it's been like these past few days. Holy hell. But I haven't been able to fully concentrate and dedicate my attention to him. Something is always tugging at my mind away from Axl. And I don't want to think about that something, so I have to distract myself with other, more moronic thoughts. I don't want to tell Axl that he alone is not enough to keep my attention.

Axl was giving me the best screw I'd had in my life this morning, and I couldn't fully enjoy it because I was necessarily distracting myself by wondering exactly how much Zeb could hear. Zeb. It would kill Axl to know that I had to think of his best friend whilst having sex with him to stop myself from having adulterous thoughts.

It's why I said yes when he proposed. One of the reasons, anyway. I really do want to marry Axl. It's just there are other reasons why it'd be good to marry him other than that I love him.

Isn't true love its own kind of destiny? And if so, then wouldn't marriage thwart any other stupid destiny? The ultimate commitment and declaration of love, binding two souls together for life?

I know, it's bullshit. But can't a girl dream? Especially when I have this other destined fate to happen. Why can't I believe that marrying Axl will make everything okay?

* * *

"You can only do what you are meant to do." Thanks, Ingrid. That brings us back to the original question of what exactly is it that I am "meant" to do. But I don't press the matter. I think I know the answer. Or at least, I know how I can find out the answer to the question.

* * *

Why?! Why did it have to be that prick? Axl's sleazy, smug, sexist older brother?

Anders.

Now that I have allowed myself to think of his name, my mind has room for little else. Who knows, maybe he is having the same confusing thoughts as I am. Maybe we can talk.

As I make my way to Anders' apartment, my heart is pounding. I want to vomit. I feel so guilty – I'm on my way to potentially cheat on my fiancé. But that feeling of guilty is nothing compared to the fear that I have about what I am going to do.

I'm scared because I _want _this. But what if Anders doesn't want this? Worse – what if he does? He said he wasn't attracted to me in the slightest, but I'm not attracted to him either. Or at least, I wasn't. As revolting as it sounds, the idea that we might have sex is becoming more and more appealing as I approach his house.

Once I get there, I pull at the door. It's locked. Good. Maybe he's not home, and I can go back to my own home, guilt-free and spend the night with Axl like I _should _do.

But someone opens the door who is leaving the building, and any last thoughts of what I _should _do lose to what I am "meant" to do, and I enter the building. Shit shit shit shit. My feet climb the stairs independent of the fear and the moral qualms I have. Idunn is controlling my body, and she has no doubts about what she wants. And before I know it, I am knocking on the door.

Anders answers the door. He's not surprised to see me, nor is he ecstatic. But he has this look of resignation in his expression that I know must be mirrored in my own face.

Wordlessly, he lets me in and shuts the door behind me. And then suddenly my arms are wrapped around his neck and he is carrying me into the bedroom where he presses me up against the wall.

Axl was always strong, but his strength mostly came from him being so tall. It was almost too effortless with him – he could pick me up and throw me over his shoulder like a rag doll.

Anders is different. He is stronger than I was expecting, and he has no difficulty in holding me up against the wall. But there's something else. I don't know whether it's just Anders' experience with women, or whether it's Bragi, but I can feel an extra strength in the way he grips me close to him.

I can't kiss him. I'm still me, I'm still Gaia and I'm not ready to be _that _kind of intimate with Anders. Not yet.

But that's okay. Bragi and Idunn don't care. Anders isn't looking at my face as he expertly pulls my underwear down and then his own.

_Ohhhhhhh, fuuuuuuucck. _The groan that Anders lets out when he first pushes himself inside me affirms that he feels the exact same way as me._This _is how it's meant to be. It's good, it's right.

It's so fucked up.

But the pleasure outweighs the shame. This is Bragi and Idunn, THIS. Is destiny. Fuck it, there's no point in fighting this now, it's time to enjoy it. It's who we are - he is mine, and I am his.

Bragi pulls me away from the wall and carries me over to his bed, lying back as I straddle him. It's my turn to fuck him.

As I'm riding him, he grips my hands, lacing his fingers in mine. And it isn't Bragi doing this, this is Anders. It's the softest gesture we've shared; in these moments I feel emotionally close to him. He's the only other person in the world who truly shares the same frustration, confusion and resignation of our situation as me. We both fucking hate that destiny has made us betray those we love. Axl.

And as I feel so close to him as we continue to fuck, I know for certain the feeling that we both hate most of all.

The relief.


End file.
